Hitched: The Go-Girl Guide to the First Year of Marriage - Brossura

Julia Bourland is the author of The Go-Girl Guide: Surviving Your 20s with Savvy, Soul, and Style. She is a former sex columnist for the San Francisco Chronicle and Women.com and has contributed to such national magazines as Bride's, Shape, and Parenting. She is happily hitched and lives in the San Francisco area with her husband.

Chapter One: Mentally engaged

The marriage initiation begins with an engagement. And an engagement, regardless of whether the proposal was over-the-top romantic, spontaneous (which is also romantic), or heavily anticipated, typically conjures up a hurricane of emotions -- enough to make a girl downright weepy when giving her best friend the blow-by-blow playback of the proposal, or downright bitchy when she finds out that the reception site she really wants is booked until 2010. Discussions with your mate about various wedding details will keep this hurricane of emotions active (but, hopefully, not too destructive) throughout your engagement.

Planning a wedding tends to bring out a couple's feelings about everything: money, religion, family, tradition. It's one life event that touches on every macro issue out there. Even if you consider yourself a low-key kind of gal, you may be surprised at the degree of passion you feel about every little detail that goes into your wedding. I certainly was. But what might be helpful to note is that this whirl of emotions is a normal mental state typical of many women about to enter the unknown alternative lifestyle of marriage. What follows is a list containing some of the feelings you might have during those engagement months when you and your mate realize that your lives are about to change forever.

dazed and confused

One of the first sensations many women feel after getting engaged is dazed. Lori, 34, of San Francisco, California, felt this spaced-out phenomenon immediately after her boyfriend popped the question (also on a hike overlooking the Pacific Ocean -- a popular engagement spot here in northern California).

They had bushwhacked to a secluded area. Hopping around and nervously fussing over everything they had brought, from the picnic to the binoculars, Lori had a gut feeling that the proposal was moments away (she had actually felt the outline of an engagement ring in her boyfriend's pocket on the way up the hill), and all her emotions were on the verge of eruption.

When her boyfriend took her hands and asked her to be his wife, she was instantaneously propelled into a daze. The emotional intensity was too much, she says, and she totally shut down. The best she could manage to utter in response was "Yeah, okay." Of course it wasn't long before shock turned to giddiness (thanks in part to the champagne her boyfriend had brought along to celebrate), but the dazed mode returned not too long after when her fiancé called his family to share the news.

Faith, 29, of Los Angeles, California, felt a similar shock when calling family members to share the news of her engagement, which happened while she and her mate were stuck in traffic on their way to Ikea. (His proposal wins the creative award, by the way. He asked her by suggesting they play the game of Jeopardy: "The answer is yes." Faith then guessed the question: "Will you marry me?" So, technically, she asked him.) But when they told relatives, she was bombarded with unexpected inquiries: "Are you pregnant?" (No, she wasn't.) "Are you going to share finances?" (The thought had not occurred to her.) "Are you going to change your name?" (She had no clue.) She felt invaded and irritated, primarily because she hadn't worked out all these things in her head and wanted her engagement to be more of a private time between her and her fiancé.

Important note: The dazed sensation will likely return again and again throughout your engagement, so get comfortable with it. Being in a state of shock is a natural response to the emotional overload that initiations such as weddings breed. Of course, the daze won't always be associated with shock. Some of it will come in the form of simple daydreaming. Rarely in life will you experience as many daydreams as when you're planning a wedding.

My dazed state of mind tended to hit me on my way to work, when I was sitting in traffic, disparaged by the long string of cars in front and behind me. There, I dreamed about the wedding ceremony -- our readings (spiritual and evocative), our vows (standard contemporary), the kiss (soulful), the music (harp soloist, playing Bach), my dress (a backless, biased-cut, 1930-style silk white gown), and my hair (help me!). Such daydreaming had a calming effect, especially when I was feeling particularly stressed about wedding planning. I suppose therapists would call this mental phenomenon "visualizing," but I'm (hopefully) over my therapy days, and daydreaming has a more romantic sound to it, don't you think?

Part of this spaced-out phenomenon may serve as a mental response to another common state of mind experienced by many brides-to-be during their engagement: confusion. I hope your confusion is not about your choice of husband. If it is, I suggest you calmly discuss your decision to get married with a therapist who will help you distinguish the irrational doubts and the internal devil-dialogue that accompanies all wedding-related panic ("How can I marry a man who won't initiate any of the wedding planning tasks, obviously indicating that he won't be a good father?") from real doubts about your fiancé's character or his ability to communicate or work out problems.

In most cases, confusion has to do with the tremendously overwhelming task of planning a fabulous and emotionally loaded party for your nearest and dearest, people you feel irrationally compelled to dazzle with your tasteful and graceful entertaining skills. Confusion will likely aim to damage brain cells not long after getting engaged, when your family and friends begin the barrage of questions on matters you likely haven't even begun to consider: When's the date? Where will it be? Who are your bridesmaids? When are you going to try on wedding dresses ("because, you know, you'd better start looking right this minute")?

Isabelle, 30, of Chicago, Illinois, had a mother who was particularly bent on adding to the wedding planning chaos. Her mom called her nonstop to ask if she had decided on invitations, chosen a band or DJ, did this or did that, all the while reminding her that the clock was ticking and she'd better get on top of all the tasks pronto! Near the end of all the planning, Isabelle could barely speak to her mother without yelling and then either slamming down the phone or running away from her (literally).

This might be an appropriate spot to mention the effectively proven mantra of wedding planning: When faced with questions that are stressing you out, the best response is to repeat over and over again: "I don't know." Admit that you don't have opinions about certain details, then change the subject. This may drive the traditionalists among your clan of supporters crazy, but eventually they will get bored and move on to sharing their opinions about the way you should conduct your wedding. When you get bored, it's time to focus on non-wedding-related conversation (if you and your tribespeople can remember what that's like).

Part of the reason confusion is rampant is that the wedding initiation carries with it a wagon-load of etiquette that most of us are completely ignorant of, having performed only occasional acts of gratitude since leaving home, such as writing thank-you notes to grandparents after receiving birthday checks. From the proposal on, there are so many etiquette details with which to contend: Whom to invite? Guests for single friends: yes or no? Which of your closest friends and dearest relatives should be attendants? And how to tell your other close friends and relatives that they are not?

Next, there are all the gritty, tedious details that must be dealt with when you're planning a wedding, most of which involve well-timed coordination. For instance, you must immediately book the wedding if your heart is set on a particular date, especially if that date happens to fall during high wedding season (April to November). This is particularly difficult if you've never considered the type of wedding you'd like. What's more, that date must work for all your VIPs (parents, wedding party, favorite relatives, and best friends). Then there's the matter of booking a honeymoon (another immediate task if your wedding falls within high tourist season), not to mention all the wedding ceremony details, starting with the kind of ceremony you want to have.

I'm not going to sugarcoat the wedding organization confusion, because chaos is part of the mental preparation needed to take you through the marital rite of passage. Get a good book on wedding planning (there are millions of them out there; take your pick depending on how modern or how Martha you want to go), then let your instincts call the shots. And keep this in mind: The rewards you receive from throwing a big party, during which all your favorite people in the world will surround you and exude shockwaves of love and support and compliments on this momentous occasion, are worth every minute of it.

princessy

Many women feel uncharacteristically princessy upon getting engaged, possibly due to all the attention brides-to-be typically receive when they announce their marital intentions. Even the self-described jocks and the no-nonsense among us get caught up to some degree in the fanfare. There aren't too many occasions in life when that princess feeling will hit you so poignantly as when you're engaged, so embrace it now, ladies.

The inner-princess state of mind often overcomes you when you call your parents, siblings, and best friends to tell them the exciting news of your pending union. In most instances they will all emit joyful gasps and coos and offer eloquent and supportive commentary on what an amazing couple you and your husband-to-be make. These moments often help calm some of the other less desirable feelings that an engagement also breeds (more on these in a minute). And for those relatives and friends who don't praise your wonderful choice of mate, promise yourself not to include them again during your wedding planning efforts. They will only help to push you off your gilded cloud.

Another common occasion during which the princess feeling hits is when you and your fiancé shop for an engagement ring if you and your mate choose to get one or if he hasn't already surprised you with one. Salesclerks will give you their well-worn "aren't you two adorable" look and compliment you and your intended on everything from your exquisite taste in rare and precious jewels to the delicacy of your hands and your recent manicure. And even though the salespeople's ultimate motive is to sell a ring, I believe their enthusiasm is genuine because, like most of us, they adore an engaged couple, which represents optimism and passion in so many people's minds.

Once you choose an engagement ring (or slip on the one that your husband picked out on his own), another bizarre phenomenon often occurs: Everyone begins to view you differently. When Lawrence and I got engaged, we waited a week before purchasing my engagement ring, a pale blue sapphire set in white gold (by the way, many women love describing their marital jewels and relaying any related history or relevant details). For unknown reasons I wanted to obsess over my choice, hitting practically every jewelry store in the Bay Area to check out my options. When I told people about my engagement, the first thing they did was look down at my ring finger for proof. When they saw no evidence, they averted their glance immediately. Once I got the ring, though, it always drew comment (as will any engagement ring on any woman's finger). The world, especially the female population, loves an engagement ring.

Those of you who choose not to wear an engagement ring, due to a lack of funds or due to principle (the principle being that a bride-to-be shouldn't have to wear a symbol that marks her "taken" status, a throwback to when women were considered the legal property of men), will also note the strange power an engagement ring has in our society. Those without a ring may notice that others appear disappointed or even skeptical about your commitment to your fiancé (or, more pointedly, his commitment to you). And then there's always the gossip ignited by a sparkling new engagement ring. Rarely do men make assumptions based on such rings except whether or not to waste a pickup line, but women often comment behind a new bride-to-be's back about the size, weight, and style of her engagement ring. Some even make such comments as "He must really love her to have given her that hunk of a diamond." I hate such comments, by the way, but now I'm getting way off the point of that princessy feeling, so let's get over the jewels.

Another time you may truly feel like a royal kind of gal is when trying on wedding dresses. Even if you're planning to borrow a dress or browse through the ball gown racks at vintage clothing stores for the retro-bridal look, scheduling appointments at bridal boutiques is one ritual not to be missed. When else are you ever going to get to prance around in front of a gorgeously lit mirror wearing exquisite silks, tulle, and organza? And when else will salespeople treat you so kindly? And when else will you get to try on veils and tiaras that really do make you look regal?

Besides, this is often the first time you will get stares and smiles from rubbernecking strangers who are peeking in the boutique windows as you twist and twirl, pose and shimmy in front of the mirror, checking out every angle of yourself in a dress. All brides-to-be trying on wedding dresses are stunning, and this is when you'll catch yourself exuding that premarital glow. If you are seriously shopping for a wedding dress, here's a word of advice: Take your most stylish and honest friend with you so she can tell you truthfully which dresses make you look like the ballerina in your first jewelry box, which make you look like Ginger Grant of Gilligan's Island (my likely subconscious influence), and which make you look like the unique and stunning bride you were destined to be. The truth is, you may be so completely mesmerized by the rare and exotic fabrics of the bridal gowns that your sense of style may be temporarily malfunctioning -- in a kind of way that years down the line when flipping through your wedding album you'll exclaim, "Oh my God, what was I thinking!"

unworthy

Along with all the regal attention they receive upon getting engaged, many brides-to-be experience a parallel feeling of humility. The humility may start with the engagement ring, especially if this is the first expensive piece of jewelry you've ever owned, not to mention the most costly present your mate has ever given you. Funny how such a small (albeit ex-pensive) offering can simultaneously induce palm-sweating excitement and a flash of undeserving guilt -- especially if you know how badly your fiancé wants a new road bike. Trust me: Guilt usually passes pretty quickly, but it may return due to other events.

The congratulatory hugs and phone calls, the celebratory cards from family and friends, the engagement and bachelorette parties, and all the gifts -- the attention directed toward a newly engaged woman is enough to make any girl feel humble if not downright guilty about being the source of all the fuss. This humility may continue through your wedding day, especially if you're the type of girl who begins trembling uncontrollably at the thought of hoarding everyone's attention during the celebratory vow-swapping ritual. For many women the engagement is one of the most sentimental periods in their life, and feeling overwhelmed by all the sentiment comes with the territory.

But here's the shocker: You may begin to like this attention during the course of your engagement, because humility often transforms into ot...